Dear Overworked Brand,
Last I heard from you was… a minute back. You sent me an SMS asking me for feedback. Sorry, I couldn’t reply to that. But here I hope I’ll make it up by writing directly to you.
You seem lonely and desperate. Is everything okay? I mean that new product you were launching… I understood its standard features in one mail, then why did your guys have to call me esp. when I told them I was busy at work? See… it’s just a bit distracting. No offence but I think you’ve started talking too much and way too often. Someone really wise once told me that people who start doing that are either desperate for attention, because they’re no good otherwise, or are about to
wither die, and so have a lot to express.
Wait a minute… that was you! In one of your better adverts a very long time back!
I have also noticed you on FB these days, turning cool eh? 😉 Not just that, after paying attention to what some of you had to say, I actually realized that you have turned into an egotistical bore. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about the other day? O yeah! I remember, it was about you and that 5% discount!! Were you serious? You wanted me to travel all the way to the otherside of town with a fucking print out??
Ok… I used to like you once, but allow me to remind you that I am not obsessively “in love” with you. I don’t even do this for my girl friend, who by the way offers far more than 5% for that trek. So, next time you try talking to me like we were a match made in heaven, do remember I get SMSs and emails from people I really like as well. These folks are the ones whom I added on facebook. They did not ask me to ‘like’ their page because that would entitle me to a free key chain…
By the way, if it makes life easier for you, you must know, you’re not the only one. Suddenly, all your clan has turned mighty weird. The scars of my management education aspirations are still borne routinely by my inbox. I am six months past that admission seeking phase; but budding, world-class B-schools still consider it imperative to inform me of their newest offerings.
My cellphone must have been the harbinger of all the luck in my life. How else did I start winning `3 days, 4 nights FREE trip to Lonavla’? Surely not everyone must be that lucky, right!
Reader’s Digest has been my favourite for eons. But what makes it even more special is the load of mailers that come along with it, telling me that I have made it to the final round in their sweepstakes in gold something something bumper jackpot! Every month! Told you I was lucky.
How must I express the unquenchable curiosity of my super brain to learning about offers that you and your friends send in every waking day!!??
O hold on, I beg your pardon, these other guys are anything but your friends right? This might offend you, but you guys look like twins. I know you try and talk different, dress up unique and all that, but really its difficult to hide the fact that you came from the same set of parents Ms. Gluttony & Mr. Duh. Recently one of your young online cousins pinged saying 100 points for buying a shoe and reffering a friend. I was like WOW 100 points that mean absolutely nothing, so I absolutely have to try this!
Puff, put yourself in my position, the number of email paper balls you’ve been pestering me with do not make me feel like a celebrity. If anything I feel like one of the girls in our class, who everyone thinks is easy. Anyway because you’ve been trying so hard let me help you, actually its more out of pity, I accidentally read one of your opening lines, it cracked me up “Greetings from your favorite underwear brand”. Ok, just in case you mistake this for a compliment let me clarify, nobody says “greetings” to greet anymore.
The other thing is the sheer intensity, frequency with which you are trying to grab my attention. I mean stop being like that attention seeking weirdo, I’ve got a few in my class, I forget thier names… and that is the point!
Your friend Ra.One, stop trying to be like him. You might think he was thorough yeah, 360 degree is what you call it right, yes? No!! please. The only things that went 360 because of that jerk were the neurons in my head. I felt like I was being cornered on all sides. I thought plasticky looking SRK would touch me. Scary!
This is when I’m already watching torturous reality shows you present and my naïve mum endorses. Its because of you that I cant even escape reality on television. Ok, now chances are you’ll get me wrong. I mean you spend a lot of money on researchers to get me wrong so why should I think differently. But hey, I am not saying we should be left alone. I mean (We dislike being neglected too) we like getting deceived by some of your cunning, even when we know its happening to us, it has a thrill of its own. As long as it seems like we’re being challenged by an equal.
I have to confess when that happens we guys even discuss some of you. Mostly when you come up with something funny it cracks me up like no other status message. Also, don’t take this too personally and stop genuine offers and discounts. I dig those except that little star at the bottom of everything does not serve as a pretty mole. So please get it surgically removed. Tell us what you have honestly and we will respect you. Tell you what, a friend of mine told me she plans all her trips according to the packages being offered by your neighbors, Ms. Cox & Mr. Kings. Of course, they don’t knock on her door everyday. Gracious.
There are a few others like that. And we respect them and they are now border line friends.
Now, you might say: Yeah yeah, we got the point “smarty pants” (btw no one uses that kind of language anymore either).
We understand, being born to Mr. Duh, it must be a tough job knowing your limits. And you might describe these limits as a thin line you’re towing.
Have you installed a red blaring buzzer in your office yet, the one that must go off once you cross that line?
Come on! how difficult is it to put yourself in our fancy shoes?
Come on! I’ve been to one of those focus groups you do (and I will again just for the food you guys serve, well done on that).
Besides, the company you keep in those pompous B-School grads. I mean, the reason they joined you was because they wanted to get off the streets we inhabit. Fire their ass and invite us for dinner. After that if you still wanna go 360 on us, you’ll really know how.
Hope to not receive your “thank you” message in the next nano second.
A Normal Young Human Being